A Story Never Told

a voice I'll never know

a hand I'll never hold

a cry I'll never comfort

a story never told

The Setting of Failures

So, where was I?  I remember some goals, something about being thirty, and for some reason Darth Vader fighting Jean Luc Picard (which would be awesome, btw). It's been some time since I wrote here, and frankly some time since I wrote more than a couple of sentences. 

I was reading through my old posts, and I saw one from 2012 where I turned 30. I looked at the goals I had set and was confronted with failures. It reminded me why I might simply be done with goals of that type...

I've got a bug to write this morning. After seeing those goals, I was tempted to slant negative. However, I don't want to be negative, so instead I'll focus on some accomplishments and other positives so that the next time I go perusing the past it'll be more fun. 

- I got a new job. It pays more, challenges me more, and has better people to work with. 

- I yell less. I've learned to better control my emotions. I've learned to better understand the root causes. 

- I bought a new car. 

- I firmed my belief in God and my desire to be a Christian. 

- I learned a ton of new IT skills. 

- I redeveloped my gaming hobby and beat a video game. 

- I fixed a pipe. 

- I faced some really deep lows but never gave up. 

- I reconciled with some family members. 

- I flew a helicopter. ( it was a toy)

So as I look back and rethink hose goals from another me, I realize I didn't fail at them all. I succeeded in becoming a better Christian, husband, father, and geek. I think my mistake in setting goals has always been putting the proverbial cart before the horse. I focus on the product instead of the tools. 

May the Fourth Be With You!

As anyone who is anyone knows, today is a National Holiday, May 4th, where Jedi, Sith, Bounty Hunters, and Wookies (do you add an 's'?) salute each other, "May the Fourth be with you!"  I thought it a great time to discuss the impact that Science Fiction has had on my life.

My earliest scifi memories are of Star Trek: The Next Generation.  Picture it.  Vonore.  1987.  (my wife just smiled at that intro)  A five-year-old boy and his older brother are watching a beardless Will Riker discover the truth behind Farpoint Station and the awesomeness that is a "Saucer Separation".  Thus began my scifi love affair, and in particular many episodes of Star Trek with the aformentioned brother.  I was there with DS9 and the myriad instances of Ferengi earlobes.  I was frustrated with Voyager coming on UPN30 and having to use aluminum foil to get a barely watchable signal because we didn't have cable.  I watched all the movies, and regardless of the critics' viewpoints still get excited when Zefram Cochrane gets to warp speed.  Star Trek: Enterprise, honestly.... I missed it.  By then I was in college and it was on my radar but so was life.  However, I retain my geek status by the fact that I've watch most of the episodes on Netflix.

WAIT!  You've not even mentioned Star Wars.  This is May 4th.  You have to make this about Star Wars.  Oh, let me tell you, Star Wars was watched.  I'm not sure if it still is, but do you know how often Star Wars marathons came on growing up?  I didn't even have cable most of my life and it seems like it was on all the time.  Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, and Return of the Jedi are three of my all time favorite movies.  They were awesome!  The prequel trilogy.... meh. I watched Phantom Menace.  Never saw the other two.  Probably never will, to be honest.   On top of the movies, the Star Wars book universe was my first foray into real scifi novels (I know, some are debatable).  When I was 12, I owned around 22 books in various series.  I remember devouring the Young Jedi Knight series, but I also read the Thrawn Trilogy, the X-Wing series, etc.

Outside of Star Wars/Trek, the memories are fewer but the Force is still strong with them.  I flew with The Last Starfighter, rode with the Transformers, had my mind blown with the Matrix, and manipulated Roger Wilco.  I was glued to Gradius (or some other, or multiple others of the same basic genre), and Knights of the Old Republic still makes me smile (literally, just bought it on the Steam sale).  Comic books also have their niche in my memories.   I collected them, getting a couple hundred I think, up until they just got too expensive.  The recent Marvel movies give me that inner smile that also accompanies playing a Mario game :).  I rode with Jules Verne under the sea and into Earth's core.

Science fiction (and its cousin, Fantasy) played a huge role in my development.  I was never at a loss for dreams and stories.  Always in the back of my mind (and in the front most days), were the characters of a story, or a show, or a game.  It's influenced my theology, my perceptions of reality, and my world view in countless other way.  As a Christian, I've had to come to terms with science, and the ever expansive world of speculative fiction was often the glass I was looking into as I went through my education.

So, on this May the 4th, I salute you SciFi!  You have been my co-adventurer these many years.  May the Fourth Be With You!

Have You Ever Lived in a Box?

I woke up one morning during college, slipped on flip-flops, and walked through the freezing cold to the dining hall.  Outside on the steps was a large cardboard box, like those you'd ship a refrigerator in.  Inside was an almost equally large bearded man, a student that I knew by face but not name.  He was imitating a homeless man to bring awareness to their plight. 

Have you ever lived in a box?

Sure you have.  It just wasn't made by cardboard.  It was made from the expectations of others, or those of yourself.  It was made out of the limitations of your worldview, or maybe from a physical disability.  Maybe the box was your theology.  Maybe it was depression.  These boxes stop us from our potential.  They keep us artificially contained. 

Today I'm in a box.  It's constrictive, immobilizing.  It has stopped all forward progress.  With me in this box are all my failures and unachieved goals.  Undone tasks and bitter regrets.  Its walls are clear, and outside it's a sunny day.  My healthy children are running around playing.  My best friend is with me, and she is beautiful as always. 

And my God is there, ever present both outside and in.  I say this not as a cliche, but honestly from a man who is the spiritual twin of Doubting Thomas.  With a certainty born of years of searching, He is here.

But so is my box, and thus far God hasn't shattered it. 

Sometimes we do indeed live in a box, and try as we might we cannot remove it.  Here lately those boxes come less often it seems, and when they are gone I drink in my world, my family, my God.  But still they come.

Few There Be

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leads to life, and few there be that find it. (Matthew 7:14)

If this statement is true in its traditional sense, it will not be because some subset of Christianity found the correct formula, but rather because in the gathered masses, only a few truly got it.  Lord, please help me to get it.  To get you.  To be a Christian in word and deed.

Personal Productivity Secrets (Spoiler: It's Bacon)

@danielbelltn asked this question on Twitter the other day:

I'd like to know how productive folks do life without workaholic behavior. Any ideas?

I, being the over opinionated person that I am sometimes prone to be, had an answer.

I think strategic prioritization, always moving forward, and knowing when to Not to do something. Not that I do this well :) 

In the interest of posterity, I will leave my "to Not to" grammatical shame intact.  Also, notice my patented (not really) use of self deprecation to emphasize my humility.  It's easy, folks, when you have mad skills like this.

So I clicked "Tweet" and went on doing something else, but kept coming back to my answer and thinking a simple thought.  If I have a legitimate answer to a question I've asked myself, and I think that the way to get where I need to be is to do... Why am I not doing it?

My go to answer is that life happens.  And it does.  Right now life is happening.  I'm writing this blog post (my first in months) at 1:30am, after having cleaned the house at 12am, because life has been happening and it's the best chance I've had.  But at 30, that's not a good enough answer anymore. 

I thought about that answer.  And I thought about it some more.  And several hours later I'm writing about it because it makes sense.  It's doable as a mantra.  For example, I'm fat.  (I know, you think it's all muscle when you look at me.  It's not.  It's really as if someone took a bathtub filled with lard and poured it into my body.  Yeah, that's gross.  So's all the fat I'm carrying around with me.  I digress.)  Since I was at my lowest weight in college (a point where I still wasn't small), I've gained almost 80 pounds.  Let's apply my three points to losing that baggage.

Strategic Prioritization
First things first, I need to stem the tide of overeating and introduce some type of exercise.  I can do without running shoes, go all organic, or drinking whey protein.  What I need to do is not eat a piece of pizza (okay, 2), a sandwich, an oatmeal cream pie, and a honey bun (You can judge me. I give you permission).  And I need to move fast at some point each day.

Always Move Forward
During one of past attempts to lose weight (one that was fairly successful, actually, but died a painful death when stress and depression slapped me silly), I made a goal to make "small choices".  Any healthy choice, no matter how small, was a step toward better health.  Maybe I skip the salt, or park at the back of the parking lot, or eat a Hershey's kiss instead of the Chic-Fil-a vanilla shake (otherwise known as the Cup of YummuliciousneI don't need toss).  The concept is always keep moving toward your goal.  The smallest step is still progress.

Know When to NOT do Something
Okay, so my example is going to break down here.  What I really mean by this is that we have to know when to say "No" to projects and requests to come our way.  I know to lose weight you have to say "No" to food, but the spirit isn't the same me thinks.  So, I'll just leave it at that.

Okay, I'm done.  Go live.

P.S. No, bacon does not actually make an appearance in this blog post.  Except that it just did.  Self-fulfilling prophecy.

Goal! Revised

I've been thirty for one month now.  I looked back on that month today.  I thought about my list of goals (said list is below, as previously seen in a previous blog post that occurred on a previous day where I had previously turned 30).  Here are the goals:

1. Write a Fiction Novel
2. Write a Non-Fiction Book
3. Lose 60 lbs.
4. Build a Website
5. Build a Shed
6. Prepare My Finances to Start My Own Business
7. Build a Business Plan
8. Be a Better CHFG (Christian / Husband / Father / Geek)

Upon further review, I was too ambitious.  I do not think I can properly focus on so many different items.  I'm one month down, and I've not made significant progress on anything besides #8, and that one is almost closer to a mantra than it is a defined goal.  So, I hereby declare the previous list of goals (I also declare myself the King of the word Previous) null and void, and will take my knife out and whittle them down to only 2:

1. Write a Novel
2. Lose 60 lbs.

Those are my two goals for this year of 30.  I am one month down and have some catch up on both of these.  Here's to the best year I've ever had!